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Category: Community Life
Breaking the Chain of Unforgiveness Part One
by Anne Richardson
Picture with me, a long
unyielding chain that keeps you hopelessly bound to the thing you
most want to escape. I’m not talking about a physical chain;
something you can purchase at your local hardware store-but one that
is often found securely anchored to the human heart. It is called
unforgiveness.
Unforgiveness is the elixir
of the wounded heart; a bewitching balm that only appears to
soothe our pain. But in truth-it is a deadly poison that corrodes
the vessel containing it from the inside out. Some wounds can be so
deep and so profound that the heart rises up in defense of itself
and screams “I have a RIGHT to hate my offender- I will NEVER
forgive what he did to me!” When, in fact, it is this perceived
right to withhold forgiveness that fastens us so securely to the
memory we most want to be free of. Nevertheless, the heart continues
in its role as defense lawyer, giving itself reason after reason why
unforgiveness is justifiable. The offense was too great, the person
does not deserve to be forgiven, they aren’t sorry for what they
did- and on and on it goes. The list can be as creative and diverse
as the person making it. But as long as the
unforgiveness chain exists, there will always be something or
someone to give it a tug that will pull you back to
revisit once again every horrible thing that has happened to you; to
help you reclaim over and over your victim status and be swallowed
up in anger or bitterness or self-pity. This is the power of
unforgiveness.
Unforgiveness deals with
offences in its own way-not God’s way. Let’s take a moment to look
at some of the alternatives to forgiving, and to understand that
these kinds of actions are what keeps that chain strong and
unrelenting.
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We Blame: Cemented deeply in human nature is the tendency to shift the blame for wrongs committed. Just a few pages into the first book of the Bible, we see the blame game in action. After Adam eats the forbidden fruit, God confronts him. Listen to his response: “The woman who thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.” [vs.12] When God’s attention then turns to Eve, her instinct is also to shift the blame: “The serpent beguiled me and I did eat.” [vs.13] The sinful nature we inherited in the Fall makes it easy for us to blame our offender for our resentment and bitterness rather than forgive. Blaming relieves us of the difficult, self-sacrificing act of mercy that God demands of His children. But when blame is transferred to someone else, sin prevails in our lives-and the chain remains in tact.
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We Bury our Feelings: Things that are buried are forgotten. And things that are forgotten are never dealt with. People will go to great lengths to suppress their hurt or cover it up. It is sometimes easier to deny feelings than to face or deal with the pain. The thought of confrontation may be terrifying because it usually means experiencing more conflict, more rejection, and more disappointment. Keeping silent, and withholding forgiveness can be an agonizing experiencing. King David expressed it this way, “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer.” (Psalm 32:3-4)
We Act on Our
Bad Feelings:
Instead of submitting to God and trusting Him to work things out, we
take matters into our own hands by seeking revenge against our
offender. Only God is able to judge fairly the offences of men;
nevertheless, the instinct for revenge can be so powerful that we
make the wrong choice to return evil for evil. This
only serves to circumvent the more perfect recompense of God. The
Scripture clearly instructs us to “Recompense
to no man evil for evil.” Rom
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We Build Walls: Unforgiveness causes us to withdraw from others in an effort to protect ourselves from further hurt and disappointment. Walls of hardness go up to prevent anyone from getting close enough to see our vulnerability. These walls can become so thick there is no opening in our heart to allow us to give or receive love. Forgiveness and love are like Siamese twins. They can never be separated. Loving someone you have forgiven may be difficult, but true forgiveness will make such a sacrifice. Jesus did not forgive us and then refuse to love us. He forgives us and then treats us as though we had never sinned against Him. True forgiveness breaks down walls and ushers love into our hearts; it builds bridges, not walls. Jesus commands us,”And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. Eph 4:32
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We Identify Ourselves as a Victim: Although we may be genuine victims of a serious offence-developing a victim mentality effectively prevents the renewing of our mind which leads to forgiveness. Seeing ourselves as a victim spawns feelings of fragility and an inability to cope. Our emotions become like an “eggshell” so that the very least offence will crush us and cause us to retreat into ourselves, or to react explosively.
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We Revisit the Offence: When offences are buried or hidden in the closet of our heart, it is much easier to revisit that hurtful event; to go back and rehearse over and over again what happened to you. Rehearsing an offence feeds and strengthens bitterness and self-pity and perpetuates the “victim” mentality. The Apostle Paul shared words of eternal wisdom when he wrote, “But this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before.” Philippians 3:13
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We Become Offensive Ourselves: There’s an old saying that says “misery loves company.” Unforgiveness keeps our pain alive to the point that we may find ourselves wanting to inflict that same hurt on others. It requires a great deal more energy to manipulate pain in someone else than to actually forgive the original offence.
If any of these behaviors
describe the way you have been feeling or acting, I invite you to
revisit another event in the past. No offence before or since could
possibly match the pain and agony suffered on this day- by this
Person. Like you, He was innocent. Like you, He didn’t deserve what
they did to Him. But here‘s the difference. He didn’t have to
experience the pain. With one Word He could have spared Himself the
agony and escaped the horrific suffering that loomed ahead.
But He didn’t. This God-Man, Jesus Christ knew that His
rejection and His suffering would free humanity from the power of
every sin known to mankind; those we have committed as well as those
committed against us. More specifically-when Jesus,
the spotless lamb of God, hung on that cross He did it to break the
power of every abuse whether physical, emotional or sexual-of every
unkind word that ripped away at your self worth-of every rejection
and every cruelty in every shape and every form. It doesn’t matter.
The stripes Jesus bore in
His body without retaliation, every mocking He silently endured- and
ultimately the pain of the nails being driven into his hands and
feet as they lifted him up on the cross-carried this message
straight to every human heart- “I love you so much I am willing to
die so that you might live.” And that is the
power of forgiveness.
Related Article: Breaking the Chain of Unforgiveness Part Two
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